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Time:11:52 pm
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
How do you tell your friend that you're in love with him? You don't, you fucking suffer and bite your tongue everytime you almost say it. How do you not get your feelings hurt at the person who doesn't know that you're in love with when they don't call you back? You don't, you pretend that it's cool cuz you're 'just friends'. How do you let that person know you miss them without scaring them or making things complicated? You don't, you just hope they know. How can you keep from over analyzing kisses on the forehead and being called 'baby'? Someone, please answer that. I want to grab him and just say 'look, I'm in love with you, if you don't feel the same we have to stop this b/c it's fucking with my head.' And I'm scared cuz I don't wanna lose a friend. After Valentine's Day, if nothing goes down, something has to be said before I go crazy.
Well, yay for Gary and his new 'girlfriend/family/house/life' bullshit that some bitch decided to text msg. me abt. starting some drama b/c I needed a friend to talk to and I picked him. My fucking bad. Let's not bring up the last 3 fucking years that I carried HIM.
Why can't you just imagine the perfect life and it fall into your lap? Why does everything have to be complicated and full of drama? I don't regret anything I've done but I regret things I should have done. How do you add things to your past?
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Time:11:52 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
I'm very tired, and I've been in a bad mood all day. Aaron and I are still cool, for those who might care, but he hasn't called me tonight :( shit happens. In general I'm happy and proud of myself for thinking things through this time.
I did call Tommy the other night, but Aaron 'gave me a talking to' and I never called Tommy back like I told him I would :). It was just so weird hearing someone say the same things to me that I told Gary over and over. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days, it's so hard to let go of someone you've known for so long, someone who was your best friend and your boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever let go completely, I can't. I'm just rolling with things, being careful. I'm not used to that, I'm used to being straight up and wanting to know what's going on. I guess I need to be my own rock this time.
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Subject:survey! (yes, i'm that bored)
Time:10:17 pm
Current Mood:boredbored
001. What is Your Name? Sara
002. How old are you? 22
003. What is the link to your website/blog/myspace? ...
004. Gender? F
005. If you were born the oppisite sex what would your name be? dunno
006. Age you act? whatever i feel like at the time
007. Grade? n/a
008. Age you want to be? 18.. fun times
009. Righty or lefty? right

Love and stuff
010. Single? yes, happily, kinda
011. Who are you with or who do you want to be with? nobody & i'm not telling
012. Have you ever been in love and if so how many times? yes, 2
013. How many were sexual? all
014. When was the last time you played truth or dare? few months ago
015. Who did you play with? guy from work
016. What was the last dare you had to? i don't even remember
017. Do you believe you should be in love to have sex? it couldn't hurt
018. How far have you gone? well, i have a 4 yr. old
Right at this moment...
019. Where are you? living room
020. What can you see out your window? blackness
021. Are you lonely or tired? little bit of both
022. Use 5 words to describe how you are feeling: tired, bored, thirsty, curious, and cold
023. Are you talking to anyone online? if so who? nope
024. What are you doing? this survey, cuz i'm a loser

030. Do you smoke? yeah
031. Do you have low self-esteem? uhm, not really
032. Have you ever been to NYC? nope
033. Do you have any birthmarks? yes
034. Do you get online a lot? not really
035. have u ever pulled an all nighter? where? yes, for nights on end, back in the day
036. When was last time you skinny dipped? never
037. Who were you with? n/a
038. What is a secret people would be surprised knowing? uhm
039. Have you ever looked at porn? who hasn't
040. Do you sleep with the room door open or closed? cracked
041. Do you have a curfew? nope
042. Do you have a cell phone? yes

056. When was the last time you were drunk? Thursday night at AppleBees
057. When was the last time you went on a date? Thursday, i guess but mostly it was a bunch of us hanging out
058. Do you ever cry to get your way? i have before
059. Are you the romantic type? sometimes
060. Do you enjoy talking about gross and disturbing things? haha sometimes
061. What do you like least about your body? the fact that i'm lazy
062. Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? not on purpose.. well maybe
063. What about cleavage? yes
064. Is your best friend a virgin? no
065. What size shoe do you wear? 6.5
066. When was the last time you were at a party? New Year's Eve
067. Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? yeah, a few bitches that didn't like me said i had an STD
068. Are you more of a mommys or daddys child? daddy

069. Would you ever hook up with the same sex? i have
070. How many true friends do you have? not many
071. Who is your best friend? my son
072. How old are they? he's 4
073. Do you prefer to hang out with one friend or a group of friends? depends on the friends
074. Who do you wish you were closer to? not sure
075. Who knows the most about you? Gary
076. Who do you trust the most? David
077. Who do you talk to on the phone the most? Aaron
078. Name one who's arms you feel safe in: there's a few of them
079. Who house were you at last? Aaron

Have you ever
080. Spun until you were so dizzy you couldn't walk? yes
081. Screamed so much you lost your voice? yes
082. Played strip poker? nope
083. Stripped to your underwear while playing strip poker?
084. Had a medical emergency? giving birth?
085. Done something extremely unexpected? haha i jumped off the roof of a house
086. Been onstage? kindergarten

087. Whats your biggest fear? something happening to David
088. Do you share a room with anyone? my son
089. Scariest dream? dunno
090. What was your best dream? dunno
091. Would you date some one 5 years older than you? i have
092. Are you clean-shaven?: uhm, excuse me
093. What you greatest strength? not giving a shit abt what someone thinks of me
094. What does your underwear look like? pink with red cherries
095. Do you have any bad habits? smoking
096. If you could hurt any body who would it be and why? karma
097. What are your addictions / What do you love? sex, drugs, and rock n roll
098. What's your most complimented feature(s)? my hair
099. Do you think life has been good so far? could be worse
100. What did you do last night? watched movies with Aaron
101. Is sex an uncomfortable topic for you? not really
102. Have you ever worn makeup? everyday
103. How much money do you have right now? i dunno like $5
104. Have you ever gone three days without showering? yeah, when i was in the hospital
105. Do you have a rubber bracelet? probably somewhere in my junk
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Time:11:23 am
Current Mood:hung over
Well, I'm upset. I like Aaron, but we decided that we're just gonna be friends, which is cool b/c I don't really need a relationship right now. But, it's hard for me to hang out with someone who I like knowing that all we are is friends. He came to the bar with me last night and we had fun, I think I did good other than calling him 'honey' a few times. So anyway he wanted me to go home with him and I couldn't and he got all irritated about it, he told me he wasn't mad and asked me to call him. I called him when I got home and he pretty much just blew off the conversation sayin he'd call me back. I was tired and sent him a text msg. telling him goodnight and thanks for coming out with me and he never responded. What the hell is that? Tell me that we're friends, act like you like me more than that, and then blow me off. I'm working with him tonight, and I'm not his girlfriend, but I'm afraid I'm gonna go into girlfriend mode and be shady to him, cuz of what he did last night. Bullshit.
Oh, and I was told last night that Gary shot an oxy and it stopped his heart and now he's in ICU with a 50-50 chance. A girl who swears he loves me told me this. I think it's bogus, but whatever.
I hate drama.
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Subject:Marlboro in the Medium
Time:12:38 am
Current Mood:drunkdrunk
I thought maybe he was gonna turn into an ass, but he didn't, at first. He called, we were gonna hang out, but he never called back. Then, he called today thought about hooking up, he was gonna call me back and he still hasn't. B-O-R-I-N-G. I don't wanna waste my time on the bullshit and games. So I guess that shit is over, it kinda sucks b/c New Years Eve is like pretty much here, but oh well. At least it was sweet while it lasted, hah!
I've had alot to drink tonight. I've had Southern Comfort, Gin, Vodka, Rum, Tequila, Triple Sec, and Brandy. I'm not an alcoholic, I swear. I'm gonna try to stop smoking next year.
I hate liking someone, it always turns into crap. Everytime damnit. I really just wanna go to bed. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm about sober now just tired. It'd be nice if someone would come hang out or at least talk to me but noo he wants to be a pimp instead. Talking to this computer screen doesn't really make me feel any better either. I hope drinking this milk won't make me sick.
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Subject:be assertive B-E assertive
Time:06:33 pm
I haven't heard from him in almost a week. Maybe he doesn't like me, and he just wanted someone different to hang out with, like a girl. He knows that I like him b/c I told him, and he knows my number, both of them, so whatever. Boys are so not worth waiting on, ugh. I guess it's all a game. I was gonna say more.. grr.. I'm so confused. If he didn't like me too then why did he have to be nice the next day? Anyway, he's moving soon so I guess it's possible that he's just busy, so we'll see.
I don't have to work for the next four days, yay. I'm gonna be bored as hell, but I needed a break. There are things I need to do I just don't want to do them. Okay, bye.
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Time:01:00 am
Current Mood:gigglygiggly
Okay, I like him alot. I went out with him and some other people Wednesday night. yay. I ended up staying the night at his friends house with him so he wouldn't drive intoxicated. He kissed me, I kissed him back. Otherwise, I was a good girl. I slept beside him on the couch and we didn't have a blanket so he used his coat to cover us up. :) Oh, and holy crap he had his arms wrapped around me all night, everytime the jacket moved he would cover me right back up. He's so sweet. He called me baby, I liked it. He was drinking though, so I dunno. I wanna call him but at the same time I don't b/c I don't wanna annoy him and I don't know if he likes me. I'm scared b/c I just broke up with Gary and I don't want this guy to be the rebound person, maybe I'm just crazy.
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Time:07:59 pm
Current Mood:weirdweird
Christmas is almost here. yay. Gary and I are still not speaking, I pretty much told him that it was over beacause I'm sick of everything. He sent me a text msg. today sayin 'what are you doing'. He acts as if nothing happened and he always does that and it pisses me off. How can we solve our problems if we don't talk about them and instead just forget them, pretending they don't exist when they do. I'm not gonna text msg. him back. I don't feel like it, because I know what's gonna happen. We'll argue, then we'll make up and then argue again, I'm so over it.
I have interest in another guy, and that makes me feel so horrible. But what else am I supposed to do, my boyfriend won't talk to me for days.
I seen Tammie, she wanted to know why I stopped calling her. And I stopped calling her because the last time I did she didn't answer the phone or call me back. So I called her the other day, 3 times, she didn't answer, I sent her a text msg. and she didn't answer. I called her yesterday and she didn't answer.
So basicly I am without a boyfriend and one of my best friends. I'm so fucking lonely and it sounds pathetic, but I'm not gonna cater to them when I get treated like this just so I won't be lonely. Ugh.
The guy I'm into makes me laugh. I think he's adorable.
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Current Music:T.I. -i still luv you
Time:03:29 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
If I seen you now, I'd probably hit you. If I talked to you now, I'd probably scream at you. I waited and stayed faithful to you for 7 months, and now I haven't heard from you in 7 days. Bullshit. I still remember all the bad times we had, the night they locked you up. The day on the bed when you cuddled your rig instead of me. Just like old times. EXACTLY like the way it used to be, terrified to even think where you are or what you might be doing. I have nightmares, just like a little a girl, I wake up scared thinking it's happening again. Maybe the guilt and pain will eventually fade, well you sure aren't making it easy. Try to settle with the past and allow it to be just what it is so I can let go, so we can let go, to build a better future. You know I still love you and only God knows why. And maybe that's where I'm messing up, by allowing you to think it's okay for you to fuck up, b/c I'll always be there to put you back together. I'm not claiming to be perfect, so when is it your turn to help me out, when will you lend your shoulder to me? I'm starting to care less. Never did I think caring for someone would hurt me so much. It's not fair, really. We had our good times, I'll never deny that. But, we can't hold on to what we had if it's not coming back. I can't forget all the times you suprised me with roses, my mother's day card in bed, my beautiful rings which were stolen from me. All the ways you made me laugh, constantly. So where are you now? Fucking tell me you don't want me if you don't, don't let me rot. I'm mad at myself for allwoing you to make me feel this way, again. Whatever the hell this feeling is that I've felt so many times. There are so many reasons why I feel I should give up and so many more reasons I feel I should hold on. But I don't even know what to hold onto anymore. The unanswered phone calls? I feel as though I don't deserve to be treated like this and if you don't agree, well then fuck you.
Oh, and by the way I heard this song today that reminded me of you...
(Forgave me once, forgave me twice, forgave me three times
I stayed lyin', you stayed down in the meantime
Had my son and turned around and had another one
I broke yo heart when I told you bout the other one
I stay in trouble ha? Ain't got too much to loose
Knew I could loose it all but never thought of losin' you
Eleven years ago I still regret me choosin' you
Meetin' you, pursuin' you and doin' you in '92
You fixed plates, showed yo face at every courtdate
And all you wanted me to do was call when I was out late
How could I let you go? I thought I knew it all
When you deserved the best and more, you been through it all
So you think I sold yo dreams, but what I say I mean
Just take it to consideration, I was 17
I'm still the same man, just had a change of plan
Never ask you back and fuck a wedding band
But I still love you)
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Current Music:shinedown
Time:03:15 am
Current Mood:tiredtired
What's up with people killing other people? What the hell is their problem? I really don't get it, if you have a problem with someone, you leave them alone, don't talk to them, whatever don't forkin kill 'em. Damn.
So anyway, I miss Gary, as usual. He says if I don't move up there in 2 weeks then it's over, he didn't call me yesterday either. He's mad, he's scared I'm not coming up there, I know he just wants me up there so he can watch me becasue he doesn't trust me, what's that about?
Work still sucks, we're getting new people, people are bein moved around, all that good stuff. I don't wanna leave my job, I'm just starting to get to know everyone, I don't wanna leave now and start with a whole new group of people. Ughh.
i heart gary.
peace out.
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